In Spanish villages, things work a little differently. Indeed, they seem to have their own code of unwritten laws that are usually strictly adhered to. These little “laws” are honoured just because they have always been in place. They are like part of the scenery.
If you live in such a village, or intend to move out of Javea and become a “local yokel” the Survival Guide below, could help save you from the evil glares from the señoras of the village in case, for instance, you accidentally occupy the space they regularly hang out in to play cards or gossip alfresco!
Article #1 Movement and transportation
#1 Parking is prohibited in places where people hang out outdoors. There is a sort of imaginary yellow line drawn in places where neighbours set up chairs at nightfall to enjoy the evening air. There are no fines for parking in this spot, but be prepared for the consequences if you provoke a mass migration of locals carrying folding chairs!
#2 Cars do not have priority – EVER because in a pickup soccer match, two manhole covers, chairs, towels etc etc, on the street often serve as the perfect goal posts. In these instances, children have priority over cars. There may also be ‘kamikaze kids’ flying around on bicycles or toy tractors and they too have priority over cars. And as for people with shopping carts, – well the entire street is considered to be pedestrian.
ARTICLE 2 – People and commerce
#1 You must be able to locate all neighbours in an extended kinship system. If someone is about to tell you a story about “Manolo, the son of El Mochuelo“, before they can continue, you must immediately interject with something like: “ Ah Yes, he was the one that married Isabella, from the grocer’s shop.” If you don’t do this, the conversation will never flow properly. Only with this added comment can the other person continue with what they were originally going to tell you about dear Manolo, (the son of El Mochuelo.) Or they can choose to add something else about Isabella – perhaps that “her sister is Maria, from the Neighbourhood Watch.” It may be that you won’t even get to the original story about Manolo. It matters not a jot!
#2 You HAVE TO to say hello. Not to everyone. But to almost everyone. And a simple ¿Que tal? (“What’s up?”) is not enough. You have then go on to tell them how YOU are doing and in addition, carry on talking about your entire family and how well (or not) they are.
#3 The elderly are ALWAYS permitted to criticise your appearance. But you don’t have the right to respond. It is their job to warn you if you’re wearing shorts that are too long or trousers that are too short, a dress that is too small for you…or a shirt that looks like a shower curtain.
#4 The only true villagers are those that are born there. Everyone else is a foreigner. Just as people born there can leave the town and always be considered a part of it, the reverse is also true. Even if you spend 30 years in a village, but were born somewhere else, you will still be considered “the outsider.” Of course, after the third month, they will still treat you like one of their own.😉
#5 Always leave the door open. And do it with peace of mind. Who’s going to rob you if you know everyone? In the event that it’s cold or there’s a strong breeze, you also have the option of leaving the door closed, but with a key beneath the mat.
#6 Respect kinship when flirting. Close relatives, ex-girlfriends and committed couples in your social circle are all off limits. So if you’re among the singles returning to the village on vacation, it’s probably best to have a friend give you the lowdown first. Of course, respecting these rules in a small town may greatly reduce your chances of getting any action, but if that’s really what you seek, there are always fiestas in the other towns nearby.
#7 You have to find the areas with a decent mobile phone signal. Most towns have a limited number of places from which mobiles can be used. If you leave these zones, you can totally forget about receiving and communication for the outside world. Obviousy this makes it easier to visit the person you want to talk to, providing, tha is, that you can get through the football matches and the portable chair brigade.
#8 Diversify your shopping among all the village stores. No picking favorites! If there are two fruit markets, divide your purchases between them. If you don’t, people are going to think there’s beef between you and the owners.
ARTICLE 3 – Fiestas and celebrations
#1 If you live outside your village, you MUST take days off to return for all of the fiestas. Even if you miss just one, you will be disowned. You can spend 50 years living in another city and stay a part of the community, as long as you come back for the fiestas. But should you disregard them, woe is you. There is no legitimate excuse for not going to the fiestas every year. No way – NEVER BE FORGIVEN!
#2 Expect cult bands and orchestras. When a musical number becomes part of the Town Hall agenda, it’s likely to be heard year after year, and the song will also be played at the biggest celebrations. Many villages even have their own anthems.
ARTICLE 4 – Folklore and traditions
#1 Someone in your family must host a Virgin Mary. In Spanish villages, this is the closest thing to Airbnb. Every week, a resident of the town accepts a virgin or saint, which occupies a prominent place in the house to be seen by all. However, there are some differences from Airbnb. Most notably, it’s the host who pays for the guest in this arrangement.
#2 Rivalries with the surrounding villages must be forever maintained. It doesn’t matter if you go to their fiestas and have a great time. The hostilities have to be upheld. If you begin to date someone from a rival town, be prepared to be the butt of an endless stream of ridicule.
#3 You must preserve and even spread the urban legends of your village. Perhaps you know that far-fetched story about what happened to that celebrity who came to your village is completely fabricated. Still, you must continue to tell it, even exaggerating it further. Most villages also have their own horror stories, and have a particular affection for abandoned houses and factories where strange events happen. Or there are those stories about your neighbours’ cousins’ friends who suffered terrible consequences after using an Ouija board. You know -that sorta stuff!
The original feature was witten in Spanish by Pablo Canto from El Pais in 2017.
